Several times in recent months, my wife has greeted me as I returned from work with the statement, "You will never guess who is getting divorced!" Sometimes there is little surprise and I can see the parting as though it were an easy afterthought. The struggle was apparent and the result is accepted. But every so often, the news comes as a shock so poignant that it makes me feel as though no marriage is sacred; no relationship sacrosanct. The truth is, none of them are. In two recent cases, I could not possibly have imagined the outcome beforehand. It has me thinking about relationships and their apparent fragility. Why do some last and others languish?

Relationships can be compared to a well-kept garden; the best ones are given constant care. They are pampered to keep out the weeds and pruned to keep them healthy. There is usually some diversity in the plant life and plenty of color to render it pleasing to the eye. Sometimes one part is in bloom while others conceal their blossoms and still others hideout under the cover of snow. Some plants weather the winter well, and others need replanting each spring. There are insects, animals, and foul weather to contend. All the while the gardener who expects good results must be patient. Yet sadly, some plants and even some gardens, don't survive.

The effects of divorce are profound and are well documented. They can be devastating both emotionally and financially. This is especially true where young children are involved. Three major areas provide the strain on the modern marriage: money, sex, and children. Add in the hectic pace of today's modern life, and you have an easy recipe for a 50% divorce rate. The pressures are enormous and the answers can be hard to find. Any committed relationship, whether anointed by marriage vows or not, requires the same treatment as our garden. The techniques can be more subtle but the results are no less profound.

The best-designed financial plans rarely survive the effects of dividing them in half. Supporting couples in maintaining healthy relationships, then, is arguably as important for a financial advisor as handling a stock portfolio or managing cash flow. Keeping relationships sound requires both. One without the other is problematic.

So what to do?

The first step in any effort to strengthen a marriage or other relationship is consciousness. What do we get out of the relationships? What do we put into them? What would our lives be like without them? Think of this as an inventory of our relationship as it stands. What most of us value in this world is to be heard and understood, respected, and, ultimately, appreciated and loved for who we are. Once we have the value of the relationship firmly in mind and we realize that its longevity and care cannot be taken for granted, we can explore the process of nurturing it.

In this search, perfection is elusive. One partner's efforts to "cultivate" what has previously gone "untended" may surprise or confuse the other partner. If those efforts are subtle, the partner may even seem to ignore or not notice them. Be prepared for setbacks. Be persistent. Sooner or later, even the most distracted of us will catch on.

Keep it simple

I try to imagine what needs to be done to win my wife's love every day. What could I do to remind her of her importance to me? Delivering unexpected flower arrangements for no good reason works well. A single red rose left where she will find it can have amazing powers. Date nights are a must. A simple phrase that reminds her of how beautiful she is can have the desired effect of making what, Harville Hendix describes as deposits in her emotional bank account (hopefully big ones). Creativity often wins out over massive expenditures. I believe this is where many people get it wrong.

Many people confuse the power of money with love. The belief persists that we can "buy" our way to great relationships. The truth is money may buy the trappings, but they are not love. Love is not for sale and cannot be purchased at any price. Many confuse sex with love. Sex may be an expression of love, but it is not enough to sustain any relationship any more than money can. The ongoing parade of failed relationships in the tabloid press is proof enough of this.

Love, at its best, requires intentional effort and time just like the best gardens. Tended well, it will be the foundation of a magnificent life and the basis of all other endeavors involving money, sex, and the raising of children. Try it and I believe you will have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Love ferociously and unequivocally knowing that what you put into it will come back to you many times over.